Invariably I push to be understood in a way that may seem abrasive or even silly at times. My heart is in the right place but my brain may not choose to follow...
I am.... ME!
I’ve been struggling this year to come to term with the loss of some very important people in my life. Some of them have left due to unpredictability that surrounds our frail mortality while others have departed due to the predictability of inevitability. I thought I was way passed it all. I thought I was handling these losses well. The thing is though, the ones I expected to bowl me over are the ones that I seem to be doing better with. It’s the ones that I underestimated that have me stymied.
A young man that I loved or rather had some level of complex attachment to for more than half my life died violently and painfully at the beginning of the year and I was taken aback at how numb I became. At the notice of his death, after the initial shock I never shed another tear until a particular comment at his funeral service forced a slight leak in the walls of the dam. I watched his mother, whom I am extremely close to literally dry up with the grief surrounding the death of her only child and yet I never cried.
Nowadays, the slightest thing reminds me of him and I burst into uncontrollably racking sobs. I still look for him when I go home and the old gang is back together. When my uncle died, I stood by the gate for most of the night looking for his car to pull up to the gate, see his face, hear him tell me how horrible a friend I am and receive my customary bear hug and lift. Instead I was left with a bad taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in ,y stomach. He’s dead I have to tell myself and the disappointment and disbelief is worse than the phone call from my friend with the conformation of his passing.
Another friend passed two weeks after being diagnosed with colon cancer and having emergency surgery. He didn’t surprise me as much because I started preparing myself for the inevitable the very minute I heard his diagnosis. I didn’t expect him to go so fast though and I was glad I got to see him a week before he died. His funeral though was what really did me in. The dam wall was filled with holes that day and I had to wear my sunglasses from the moment I stepped out of the car until the service was over.
This cloud has been hanging over me for the past month and a half and his death seems to have intensified things. I don’t know what it is but I’ve become terrified of sleeping at night. So much so that I have completely reversed my sleep cycle and now sleep in the day and stay up at nights. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this to the rising of the sun having not slept since about 4 p.m. yesterday.
Suddenly now though there seems to be this great wall in my head hiding every bad thing that has happened from me. I do believe it is a coping mechanism, a survival tactic my brian has employed to spear me from the pain I have been experiencing. I mean I haven’t been able to see a face, recall a memory and every time I think of a person’s name it is as if I am dragging it through a marsh and the more i pull on the memory is the slower it drags through the mud until it hurts too much to remember so I release the fish and allow it to swim in the murk that is now my memory.
I haven’t touched on the greatest of my issues and I suppose that is the source of my discomfort and is the reason these issues have moved from mole hills to mountains for me. But for now I think I do enjoy my brain’s home-made bandages and I refuse to perform any cauterization until the wounds and flesh are strong enough to do so.
I suppose I will know it is ready when I can remember again and not feel like a slosh-for-brains or when I can feel some sort of pain again. I swear if you cut me with something, unless I saw the blood gushing I wouldn’t even know.
The brain is absolutely amazing and the survival techniques are phenomenal.
I’m going to push it to its limits. Won’t stop now!
The young girls in the world are faced with so many challenges before they are even allowed a chance to be young girls. 11 and 12 year olds are posting videos on Youtube seeking validation for their appearances. The comments are even more sickening and sad than the actual videos! WHat has happened to our world? When did we stop cultivating the mind and started focusing on the mere shell that houses it?
Mind you, looking good is a plus but being beautiful has nothing to do with that? When will we allow our children to see that yes puberty is awkward and strange and your body changes but you’ll come out on the other side, It’s not a death sentence? You can work at changing for the better in a healthy and moderate manner? It is flummoxing to even view these things and it happens more and more everyday! Lord help our children